Sunday, May 20, 2012

Angry Man Hates #3: The Prius Owner

As I was driving to work the other day, I noticed that there was a large number of people driving the sweet Toyota Prius.  This fucking thing.  I am not against helping the environment, and I am not against hybrid type cars.  However, I am against douche bags and it seems that most of the people who drive a Prius fall into the that category.  

I know this for a couple of reasons.  First it seems that many Prius Owners have clever bumper stickers (very classy by the way) like "I care about your children's future".  Is that right?  Well, let me tell you that I don't have children your arrogant fuck.  Even if I did, I'm not sure I would want them to grow up in a world that you "helped" create.  Second, every Prius I drive by has some smug asshole with a pretentious shit eating grin on his face like every mile he drives allows an angel to get their wings.
Guy who likely named the Prius

Also, Toyota really missed the boat in naming this thing.  Prius?  What sweet knit cap wearing hipster named this?  Seriously, if you are a guy, try saying Prius out loud without your penis turning into a vagina.  It's not possible.  To be honest you probably won't even try.  It's like saying Candyman in the mirror, You're pretty sure if you do it he won't show up, but you don't want to take that chance.

Another thing is that when you hit the gas pedal to go, it makes this sound...quuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeef.  How could a person with any pride whatsoever be associated with that?

If Toyota had a meeting and said we want to own the pretentious American douche bag market then good for them, they nailed it.  But for me, that's a demographic that I wish would disappear all together.  These people are the backbone of many of the things that I despise and the Prius is just one of them.

I am not a fool, I understand that we need to improve things in various markets in order to carry on as a society.  I just don't agree with doing it by creating an awful vehicle that is marketed and catered to a niche of losers and douche bags.  I

Angryman's Walmart Captions of the week

5 Captions for this photo
  1. Belts are for suckers
  2. I guess Hooters wasn't hiring?
  3. Because being fat isn't enough, you have to be disgusting too
  4. We have to roll our shirts on like condoms 
  5. Highest Level of Education completed?  Some high school.
 What say you?  Put your best caption in the comments.

The Angryman's s stupid video of the week

I'm beginning to wonder if Darwin was wrong.  It seems like more than just the "fittest" are surviving.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Angry Man Hates #2: Useless Facebook Shit

I am not a fan of Facebook.  Even more, I am not a fan of useless Facebook shit.  No, I don't want to water your plants, play words, or run some sort of restaurant with you. I certainly don't want to "poke" you whatever that means.

Yet everyday millions of people get online to do all of these things and worse,  tell us absolutely useless things about there horribly mundane lives.  I don't want to know what you had for dinner or what you think you may do today.  I don't give a fuck.

The sad part many of you stupid fucks do.  You can't wait to get online and see that it's "Nap Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (I don't know how you can sleep when you are so excited) for Jenny and give her a "Like", or a witty, "Don't let the bed bugs bite :)" reply.

How can you honestly wake up in the morning and RUN to your Facebook account to type "Just woke up, ready for breakfast!"  Guess what genius, it's 8am and 5 million other fucks just woke up too.  This isn't news or interesting, yet BOOM right below that post is another asshole with "Ugh, You're so lucky, I've been up since 5 :(".

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  All of you.  This is the absolute unquestioned biggest waste of time I can think of in the world. The biggest reward is when stupid pieces of shit lose their jobs because they HAVE to run to Facebook to say how much they hate their job or boss.

So in order to try and improve things, I am going to give you 5 tips for posting on Facebook:
  1. Thoughts: Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you should type it.  In fact, don't type any of your thoughts. Ever. You are not interesting or funny.
  2. Kids: No one thinks your kids are cute and funny.  In fact most people probably think your kids are annoying.  Stop telling me that Susie has a piano recital, or Jimmy was up all night.  If I gave a shit about Susie's recital, I would've been there.
  3. Sports: Two things. First, don't post "UK National Champs Baby!!" as your status when you haven't watched a game all year except for the championship.  It screams that you are desperately trying to be a part of what's cool.  You wouldn't have cared if they lost, so don't act like you do if they win.  It's transparent and sad.  Second, I am not poor so I have a smartphone,  TV and computer with satellite and internet.  If I need a sports update, I can watch it on ESPN or look it up online.  
  4. Events: I don't care if you are having a party or that "hubby made ribs" for the party.    All I really think when I see you threw a party is, why in the hell are you telling me about a party that you didn't invite me to asshole.
  5. Birthdays: If I care about you, I will call you on your birthday or send an actual card.  I will not put an informal happy birthday on your wall.  All that tells me is that you are a person who thinks so little of me that you will do the least amount of work possible to prove it.
In summary, if you are so lonely and crave attention so badly go become a stripper.  Just remember, nobody wants to hear what a stripper has to say either.  

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Angry Man Hates #1: The Left Lane Asshole

I was driving to work today....well this is everyday......and once again the left lane is jammed up with a bunch of slow driving, non passing, assholes (See Illustration).  I can't begin to tell you how angry this makes me.

These mother fuckers, usually driving a mini van with bumper stickers like "I live for Fridays" sit in the left lane texting (who the fuck are you texting at 7am?), playing with the radio or otherwise oblivious to the world.  I know this because all the time I spend trying to pass,I am giving them the finger and honking my horn at them.

Plus once I get the chance to pass, I move up to even with them and try to get their attention so I can alert them that they are being a cock.  But alas, they are too intrigued with the radio telling them what a whore Kim Kardashian is.

The sad thing is, once I do get past d-bag number one, d-bag number two is but a mile down the road.  So the dance goes on, me firing out curse words and middle fingers and this asshole left laning me.

What is really ridiculous is it's against the law for these pieces of shit to be in the left lane.  Several states have signs up as well as detailed laws such as Colorado's which states:

"A person shall not drive a motor vehicle in the passing lane of a highway if the speed-limit is sixty-five miles per hour or more unless such person is passing other motor-vehicles that are in a non-passing lane.."

But will the cops ever pull them over and write them a ticket so they learn a fucking lesson....NOPE! They would rather try to give me a reckless driving ticket for having to illegally pass on the right to get around our resident moron.  People with an IQ of six need corporal punishment. They like dogs learn by association. They don't learn by logic and thought, they learn by burning the fuck out of their hands on the stove and realizing that is not good.

I know this isn't going to get better, in fact it will probably get worse.  But if I can just get one asshole out of my way, I will consider it a success.